i think my tv is drunk
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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