Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
