someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
