So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
