I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
As shirtless as possible
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
