i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
