Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
