I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
