EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Too much gin, very little bucket
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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