Duck Duck Cougar?
I just found puke in my bra..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
