i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
