dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He better not be in your backpack
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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