I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
