When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
