I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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