My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
