I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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