I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love having hate sex.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
