Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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