oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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