My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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