At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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