i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
