I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
