Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
