I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
