i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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