3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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