I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
