we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
pop tarts are not kleenex
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
