It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
