My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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