JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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