based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
