it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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