you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Found your dick twin last night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
