rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
