glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
