Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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