Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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