i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize