my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
