the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
