So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
