he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
