I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
