If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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