I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
