i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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