I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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