i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
