apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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