Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
