in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
