and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
