The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This is classic penis vs brain.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
