I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
