ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
