we have pet lesbian snakes
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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