I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
