Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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