Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
