Four minutes until I can fart!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
