I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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