dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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