Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
