Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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